News + Jokes =

Daily News 3/7/2012

• Peyton Manning has parted ways with the Indianapolis Colts after 14 years when the Colts released him on Wednesday. He will be replaced at quarterback by the new iPad.
• Pregnant Jessica Simpson has posed nude for the cover of this month’s Elle magazine and announced that she is expecting a girl. But it might end up being a can of tuna, she really wasn’t clear on the details.
• Simpson also said that she plans a ‘nontraditional’ name for her girl. You know, a crazy out there name like Jessica, or Ashlee. 
• Sarah Palin revealed that she voted for Newt Gingrich in the Alaska Republican primary yesterday. When asked for comment Gingrich said “You think she’d also want to have sex with me?”
• Scientists say that they are getting closer and closer to narrowing down the elusive Higgs Boson particle. In related news my uncle Jerry once said him and his buddies had Bigfoot cornered in the woods outside Mechanicsburg, PA in 1973 but it somehow got away cause Dave got drunk and fell asleep.
• Following a very active solar storms, the sun fired off two massive solar flares which may cause the Aurora Borealis to appear as a far south as the Philadelphia region. Philly residents are encouraged go outside to see the lights, call it ‘gay’ and go back inside. 
• Apple unveiled it’s new iPad today, with a faster processor and a high resolution screen. It can’t make your kids love you, but it can take the blame for your neglect.
• Mexican tycoon Carlos Slim leads the Forbes list of billionaires with $69 billion in assets. Which is exactly one google in pesos.
• After big wins in yesterday’s Super Tuesday primary races, Mitt Romney has politely suggested that his rivals step aside.  If any of them are going to stay committed and not quit, it’s going to be Newt Gingrich, just ask his ex wives. 
• Two divorced parents realized they had left their 3 year old daughter at a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant after seeing her picture on the evening news. The idea that the other person was taking care of it is not only their philosophy on birth control, it’s also their philosophy on parenting.

Daily News 3/5/2012

• Whitney Houston reportedly had an affair with Jermaine Jackson back in 1984 while Jackson was still married to his wife. And we thought she had hit rock bottom with Bobby Brown.
• Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi of Jersey Shore fame has confirmed that she is pregnant and has even expressed doubts about having a kid. Just remember Snooki, don’t feed it after midnight and don’t get it wet.
• As Apple reportedly prepares to unveil their newest iPad on Wednesday, some people claim that some customers have become slaves to whatever the company puts out. They later corrected their statement by saying employees, not customers were slaves to the company.
• Rush Limbaugh said that his apology to a Georgetown undergrad that he called a ‘slut’ and a ‘prostitute’ for supporting mandatory contraception coverage was sincere. It didn’t sound sincere, but how would he know, he’s got drug-induced deafness. 
• Rush said Monday morning that he didn’t mean to say those things, but he “stooped to the level of liberals against his better judgement”. It should be noted his better judgement is just a slightly lesser version of bad judgement.
• Comic impressionist Steve Bridges, best known for doing impersonations of former president George W Bush has passed away at the age of 48. Or it could just be a guy doing a really great “Dead Steve Bridges impression”.
• A Michigan woman says that she is being stalked and attacked by a turkey that lives in the woods near her house. Lady, never let yourself be intimidated by lunch meat.
• Former major league baseball player Lenny “Nails” Dykstra was sentenced to three years in jail on charged of auto theft and possession of a controlled substance. In jail Dykstra will be given a new nickname, most likely “Cheryl”.
• A 66-year old Swiss pastor has given birth to twins, making her the oldest known person to give birth in Switzerland. She’s not worried about the diapers, the feedings and the getting up in the middle of the night, she already does that with her husband.
• Jake Lloyd, who starred as young Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars: The Phantom Menace turns 23 today. In case you were wondering, all grown up Jake Lloyd looks like a guy who would tell Jake Lloyd that The Phantom Menace sucked.

Daily News 3/2/2012

• Today marks what would have been the 108th birthday of Theodor Geisel, better known to readers are Dr Seuss. As he used to say “I would not eat birthday cake with a fox, I could not eat birthday cake cause I’m in a box”.
• On his radio show the other day Rush Limbaugh labeled a woman who testified in favor of mandatory health care coverage of contraception a ‘slut’ and a ‘prostitute’ and demanded she release tapes of herself having sex, so the government can get something in return. In response, Sleep Train Mattress has pulled their advertising on the show, due to a conflict with their pre-existing partnership with prostitutes.
• Sleep Train Mattress should be applauded for not letting Rush Limbaugh profit from his ignorant hate speech. Sleep Train released a statement saying “How does a man like that sleep at night? He should come down to any Sleep Train Mattress showroom and check out our fine selection.”
• Limbaugh says that the Democrats are demonizing him for his comments. When asked for comment Democrats said ‘If by demonizing him you mean pointing out that he is a demon, then yes, we are demonizing him’.
• Lead singer of the band The Monkees, Davy Jones died yesterday of a heart attack. The heart, who waited outside his apartment and shot him, was later found to have a copy of Catcher in the Rye on him. 
• Scarlett Johansson is set to play actress Janet Leigh in the biopic Sacha Gervasi-directed ‘Alfred Hitchcock and the Making of Psycho’. We will have to wait 50 years to see who pays Johansson in the movie ‘Sacha Gervasi and the Making of Alfred Hitchcock and the Making of Psycho’. 
• The new trailer for The Avengers movie has been viewed over 13.7 million times over this week. That is 13 million more times than the number of people who saw the whole Ralph Fiennes, Uma Thurman Avengers movie in the last 13 years.
• Demi Moore has left rehab and will continue outpatient treatment. Her role at the rehab will be filled by Ashton Kutcher playing a millionaire named Walden. 
• NASA is saying that the more they find out about ‘dark matter’ in space, the less they seem to be able to explain. Religious experts would have just claimed that it is God years ago, started praying to it and spent the rest of their time condemning people for not praying to it.
• Ted Nugent endorsed Mitt Romney for president this week. This was an important endorsement for Romney, Nugent holds a lot of sway with voters whose favorite color is camouflage.

Daily News 3/1/2012

• Conservative pundit and activist Andrew Breitbart has passed away at the age of 43. The man was so concerned about being attacked by liberals that he didn’t even consider that he would be attacked by his own heart.
• A Connecticut couple who are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary will get to stay at the Waldorf Astoria for $16.80 per night like when they were on their honeymoon. For the price of a can of Coke from the minibar, they get the whole room for a night.
• A smart phone changed the word ‘Gunna’ to ‘gunman’ in a text message causing a high school to go into lockdown. Looks like some student is totally gunman fail that spelling test.
• Disney is retooling an exhibit on childhood obesity at it’s Epcot Center after some people claimed it was insensitive and reenforced stereotypes.It also is sending mixed message, have you seen the people walking around Disneyland and the number of churro stands?
• Two Long Beach schools are dealing with off campus incidents involving students seriously injured in fights. In surprising turn, neither fights were taped and posted to Youtube, you know, old school fights.
• President Obama said that he has been on the Jeremy Lin bandwagon for a while now. He also showed us a previously unknown tattoo on his lower back of the Chinese symbol for ‘Hope’.
• Today Maryland’s governor will sign into law a bill legalizing gay marriage. You know, one of the states you always forget exists when you are naming all states, is more progressive than most states.
• Justin Bieber turned 18 today. Kind of a boner killer, right? 
• For his 18th birthday Ellen Degeneres brought an unaware girl from her home to be surprised by Justin Bieber. ELLEN STOLE A GIRL FOR JUSTIN BIEBER!!!!! How are they not in jail?
• A new study says that sleep gets better with age. Eventually you get so good at it that you do it all the time, in a box, six feet underground.

Daily News 2/28/2012

• A former coach of Tiger Woods has written a book in which he says that Tiger wanted to become a Navy Seal. But marrying, having kids and then divorcing a white European supermodel he was able to become Seal. 
• Actress Uma Thurman, who is set to star in the 3rd installment of the Kill Bill movies, has announced that she is pregnant at the age of 41. The Bride will be 41 and pregnant, that just sounds really sad. 
• Apple has sent out invitation for a March 7th iPad event. Apple is expected to unveil something you are going to buy regardless of what it can do.
• New data is showing that users are spending less time on Google+ then they are on other sites such as MySpace and Pinterest. Go read that sentence to your grandparents, they’ll think you have gone insane.
• Archaeologists have found evidence that there was a type of penguin that existed 27 million years ago who stood 5 feet tall and weighed 130 pounds. They are have since evolved into what we now know as butlers.
• Celebrity actors Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have welcomed a new baby boy to their family this week after Garner gave birth Tuesday. No word on the name yet, but it will probably be a random noun, like Cargo, or a normal name misspelled beyond all recognition.
• Singer Bryan Adams is mad, claiming that police leaked a story about a woman and her son stalking him to the tabloids three years ago. Adams said that he became concerned after the woman and her son kept waking up the neighbors. 
• NASA is reportedly raiding the budgets of other projects to fund their Mars mission effort. It’s like when you didn’t give your kids allowance for six months so you could have some ‘walking around money’ for your second honeymoon in Italy.
• A new study finds that eating fatty fish helps keep the brain young. So if you are going to eat fish, avoid the ones with gym memberships and a overall healthy lifestyle. 
• Mitt Romney pulled out two wins this evening in both the Arizona and Michigan primaries. Santorum and Gingrich aren’t too upset, both states are “full of people they don’t like”.

Daily News 2/27/2012

• Jan Berenstain, who created The Berenstain Bears series with her husband Stan, has died at the age of 88. Good luck explaining her death to your kids.
• Last night were the Oscars with Hollywood out celebrating the year’s best films. Turns out ‘The Artist’ is the Adele of movies. 
• Some viewers are debating whether or not part of Jennifer Lopez’s nipple was showing while she presented an award in her revealing Oscar dress. If we did see her nipple, that means six more weeks of American Idol. 
• Today would have been actor Michael Fox’s 91st birthday. He is best known for forcing Michael J. Fox to put that J in his name.
• Following the comment about his idea for rich people to pay their fair share by Chris Christie to ‘write a check and shut up’, Warren Buffett have fired back at Chris Christie. Which isn’t hard, it’s like hitting the broad side of a Chris Christie.
• It has been pointed out that recently Mitt Romney has been avoiding attacks on Rick Santorum’s social politics while on the campaign trail. Romney knows that you can’t alienate the crazy racist, sexist, bigoted demographic if you want to win the Republican ticket.
• Most viewers agree that Billy Crystal’s best joke at the Oscars was his face.
• Actress Sean Young was arrested for causing a fight with a security guard at a post Oscar party. Yeah, social Hollywood mess, Sean Young, used to be in movies. 
• Adam Sandler received the most Razzie nominations ever for his box office bomb ‘Jack and Jill’. You know you messed up when you are the odds on favorite to beat Big Mommas:Like Father, Like Son, Bucky Larson and The Human Centipede II.
• Reports are surfacing that Apple’s rumored iPad 3 may already be heading to America and may go on sale soon. This is just in time for the spring, which as we all know is the best time to go outside and play Angry Birds. 

Daily News 2/20/2012

** Took a week off, now back at it. **

• Lindsay Lohan is set to host the upcoming March 3rd episode of ‘Saturday Night Live’. HEY NBC! We didn’t run afoul of the law, why are we being punished?
• Award winning actress Dame Judi Dench announced that she is losing her sight due to macular degeneration. She does say that never having to see Quantum of Solace again has given her a quantum of solace about it all.
• Fifty years ago today we sent John Glenn, the first American, into Earth’s orbit. It also marks 61 years that Ralph Kramden threatened to send Alice to the moon. He has yet to follow through on the threat.
• Public outcry at Chris Brown’s inclusion at the Grammy ceremony last week is still going strong with some people being very mad while others took the opportunity to make fun of the performer. To that I say, save some jokes for when his greatest hits album comes out. 
• “Chris Brown’s Greatest Hits” is that an album of an instructional boxing video?
• Kevin Costner spoke Saturday at Whitney Houston’s funeral telling a story about her auditioning for her role in “The Bodyguard”.  She originally auditioned for the role of Bodyguard, and Costner decided to switch roles with her.
• The Defense Advance Research Projects Agency say they are looking to make ‘Avatar’ a reality by making robot surrogates to aid soldiers in the field. Or the movie ‘Surrogates’, the movie with actual robot surrogates that no one saw. 
• Rick Santorum said in a recent speech that Democrats are the ‘anti-science ones’. He then excused himself so that he could praise his invisible wizard overlord. 
• In an unprecedented move Apple has opened the doors on one of it’s iPad factories in China to show the working conditions of it’s employees. Wonka dies and we now get to see how the fizzy lifting drinks are made. 
• A man suffered a heart attack after eating a ‘Triple Bypass Burger’ at the Heart Attack Grill, an establishment known for their high fat meals and where people over 350 lbs. eat for free. He did order a Diet Coke. 

Daily News 2/9/2012

• A mother who claims she had her kids improperly taken away and put in foster care has sued the city of West Brighton, New York and their family services department for $900 trillion. I bet the city can bargain her down to about $50 and a carton of Marlboro Golds if they are patient enough.
• A Los Angeles teacher is under arrest facing sex charges after inappropriate photos of his students were discovered by a technician at a photo lab where he had dropped the pictures off. Who uses photo labs anymore, seriously? 
• Reports are floating around that Apple will unveil it’s new iPad in March. The next iPad will not be thinner than before but it will appear that way cause it won’t be introduced by an emaciated Steve Jobs.
• Scientists have revealed that they are puzzled by what they are learning about the area just outside our solar system. You know, where God hangs out. 
• An Indiana newscaster was bit by a dog during an on-air segment about the dog’s rescue from ice waters. It’s ok, she was bit on the face, she doesn’t need that for her job.
• Kodak has announced that it will stop making cameras and digital frames to increase profitability. In related news cows have announced they will stop producing milk and digital frames. 
• President Obama has agreed to give 10 states waivers on the No Child Left Behind program, citing it’s a program that needs to be fixed. The 10 states look forward to leaving children behind as soon as possible.
• Washington state has passed it’s final legislative vote to approve same sex marriage. First gay couple to get married in Washington state, Lewis and Clark.
• The US has approved the plans for the first nuclear power plant in more than 30 years. The plant will be built in Springfield by C.Montgomery Burns. 
• Actress Naomi Watts has been cast as Princess Diana in a new biopic entitled Caught In Flight. Elton John will rewrite the lyrics to songs from The Lion King for this movie.

Daily News 2/8/2012

• In three state primaries last night ultra conservative candidate Rick Santorum won by healthy margins keeping his campaign alive for the near future. Some people speculate that they are keeping his campaign alive just so he has to abort it in the third trimester.
• Ben Stein who famously played Ferris Bueller’s teacher in the 1986 hit comedy ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’ said he liked the Honda ad featuring Matthew Broderick but that he should have been in it. The producer said they would have had him come in, but he is notorious for forgetting his line.
• Food and aid has been helicoptered in to struggling villagers who are stranded as a result of a cold streak that has killed over 400 people in Eastern Europe. There is also upwards of $100 in property damage.
• Following a trouncing in the primaries yesterday Mitt Romney did see a bit of a silver lining to the cloud when he misunderstood the news media when they said that he had ‘lost handsomely’ to Santorum. 
• In response to a groups attempts to have her removed as spokesperson for JC Penney Ellen Degeneres thanked her fans and JC Penney for supporting her and sticking with her. The group called One Million Moms has released a statement saying ‘We are frightened by things that are different from us, even the nice things. We are constantly afraid.’
• Gary Busey has filed for bankruptcy claiming he is almost $500,000 in debt. He also claims that he is unable to find work because he just so happens to be Gary Busey.
• Dolphins stranding themselves on the beach is nothing new on Cape Cod Bay, but this winter there is a larger than normal number with almost 150 strandings so far. We haven’t seen a dolphin loss in New England this big since Week 16 in the NFL.
• It has been confirmed that Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger will team up and star in a movie called The Tomb. When reached for comment Schwarzenegger said ‘It’s not a rumor’.
• The movie will center around each star’s attempts at saying the other’s name.
• Many bankruptcy lawyers are warning that student loan debt may be the new bubble that will burst in the financial industry with many people unable to pay back what they owe. By the end of the year many people can expect to be foreclosed upon and be evicted from their student loans.

Daily News 2/7/2012

• Today marks what would have been Charles Dickens’ 200th birthday. He is looking forward to a visit from The Ghost of Birthday Presents.
• A federal appeals court has found that California’s Proposition 8, which bans same sex marriage, is unconstitutional saying that it unfairly singles out gays and lesbians for discrimination. Opponents of the ruling said “Next thing you know gay dogs are going to want to marry” or something equally as dumb. 
• Country singer Randy Travis has apologized for his actions following a public intoxication arrest Sunday for being drunk in his truck outside a Baptist church following a fight with his girlfriend. Meanwhile, in an effort not to be ‘out country-ed’, Hank Williams Jr was seen smoking meth in a monster truck in a megachurch’s parking garage following an altercation with his pregnant wife. 
• Austrian adventurer Felix Baumgartner plans set a world record skydiving from almost 36.5 km up in the air. If the chute fails to open and he slams into the ground he will hold the world record for ‘Only guy to ever bury himself’.
• Zsa Zsa Gabor celebrated her 95th birthday yesterday but was kept behind closed doors at her party where guests could not see her. The party was hosted by Jonathan Silverman and Andrew McCarthy.
• Students at Shippensburg University in Pennsylvania can now get ‘the morning after’ pill from an on campus vending machine for $25. Just remember ‘Press B4 for the Morning After pill’.
• Tom Brady’s wife Gisele Bundchen was caught talking smack about the other Patriots players for not holding on to passes in their Super Bowl loss Sunday. People would be mad if they weren’t so surprised that the supermodel understood how football works.
• Robert Downey Jr’s wife gave birth to a baby boy today naming him Exton Downey. This is his second child, also not named Robert Downey Jr Jr. 
• As the primary season marches on it is looking more and more likely that Mitt Romney will be the Republican candidate for president. This is most likely due to the fear that Newt Gingrich will ask America if they could have an open relationship.
• At a youth Science Fair held at the White House, President Obama couldn’t resist testing out a marshmallow gun by firing it in the Red Room. The marshmallow struck a portrait of Abraham Lincoln, which was quickly replaced by a portrait of Andrew Jackson.

Daily News 2/6/2012

• The Giants upset the Patriots yesterday in Super Bowl XLVI with a 21-17 victory. This means that the Patriots will have to live in poverty for the following year, just kidding, they all still get to fuck supermodels.
• A former White House intern alleges that she had an 18-month affair with President John F. Kennedy and is telling all in a new book. Ugh, we need another John F. Kennedy adultery story like we need a hole in the head. 
• Country singer Randy Travis was arrested at 1:30 this morning in a Baptist Church parking lot on a public intoxication charge following a Super Bowl celebration. Randy Travis is about to write the greatest country and western song of all time. 
• A Georgia man shot himself in the leg outside of a gun show as he was trying to reload his gun in the parking lot. Randy Travis, please note that this situation would also make for a great country song.
• A Texas man who made headlines last year for seeking to occupy an abandoned home using a little known Texas law has been forced to vacate after Bank of America came forward as the titleholder and foreclosed on the house last month. Bank of America said it has been living on the street and is happy to be back in their home.
• NBC is preparing for a slew of complaints following M.I.A.’s giving the finger on camera during the Madonna Super Bowl halftime performance. NBC’s official stance is ‘we are sorry if you were offended’ while M.I.A.’s is ‘Please refer to my previous statement’.
• Microsoft has gotten rid of the ‘Start’ button in the newest version of Windows 8. Unless they are replacing it with a ‘Hey Mom Click Here’ button be prepared for a lot of dumb questions from your luddite parents.
• A ruling on the constitutionality of California’s Proposition 8, banning gay marriage, is set to come down on Tuesday and could cause ripples when the ruling is appealed to the Supreme Court. Who cares, someone gave the finger on national television, we need to focus on that.
• Many people have applauded the Chrysler commercial during the Super Bowl starring Clint Eastwood that extolls the virtues of Chrysler and the city of Detroit. It leads a lot of other people to believe that Eastwood has no idea what either of those things really are. 
• With Valentine’s Day coming up many restaurants are looking to keep prices reasonable for cash strapped couples looking for a night out on the town. If you are looking for romance and know twenty other couples who want to have the exact same night as you then look no further than Groupon. 

Daily News 2/4/2012

Yesterday was too busy to post jokes, so you are getting a rare Saturday edition of News+Jokes=. 

• The Republican presidential candidates spent most of the week campaigning in Nevada. All three were in Las Vegas with the same message, ‘Never bet on black’.
• Actor Daniel Radcliffe has admitted to being drunk while filming scenes for the ‘Harry Potter’ movies. This explains all the closeups where Harry Potter kept wanting to tell the camera a secret. 
• A group protesting JCPenney’s decision to have openly gay celebrity Ellen Degeneres as their spokesperson has decided to stopp calling the corporate offices and instead are taking their complaints to the local store managers. Local store managers are fine with that and have come out saying ‘It’s just a new flavor of idiot in this meal we call our lives’. 
• Demi Moore is said to be in a Utah rehab facility seeking treatment for an eating disorder and an addiction problem. You know, just like all the other young Hollywood starlets.
• Rock star Alice Cooper turns 64 today. Or as he likes to put it ‘I’m Eighteen…plus Forty Six’.
• A woman was tased at a McDonald’s drive thru window in North Carolina after bypassing the line and blocking the drive thru for 20 minutes.  I’m lovin’ it.
• A Phoenix man was arrested after it was discovered that he was living with the decomposing corpse of his mother in the bathtub of his home. Oh no, you got your Oedipus Complex in my necrophilia. No, you got your necrophilia in my Oedipus Complex.
• Former Cuban dictator Fidel Castro made a rare public appearance to promote his memoirs which are said to be massive, clocking at almost 1000 pages. Cuban citizens plan to read it and then use it to float to Florida on.
• Fourteen teenage girls, a teenage boy and a 36 year old woman in the same NY town have unexpectedly developed body twitching and tics. Doctors have encouraged other residents not to receive blowjobs from any of the patients until they can figure out the cause.
• Republican candidate Rick Santorum has failed to qualify for the Indiana primary after not receiving enough signatures on a petition in the 9th district of the state. You know your campaign is screwed when you can’t even fake enough dead people’s signatures to qualify for a primary. 

Daily News 2/2/2012

• A 250 lb. man has plead guilty to assault after he jumped on the back of two student athletes in Helena, Montana and tried to get a piggyback ride from them. The charge was originally assault with a deadly weapon but what they thought was a gun turned out just to be an erection.
• Today is Groundhog Day. We used to burn women at the stake because they were accused of being witches, but we are ok with the idea of a fat rodent predicting the future. Thanks America.
• Donald Trump has endorsed Mitt Romney for president. Trump said that he has to have respect for someone whose business model is ‘You’re fired’.
• Actress Roseanne Barr is seeking the Green Party’s presidential nomination. Check out her half hour political ads every weeknight at 7:30 and 9:30 on Nick At Nite.
• Taco Bell has been outted as the restaurant chain responsible for a salmonella outbreak that sickened 68 people. Taco Bell said that their name was withheld because they felt that their numbers could be higher. 
• Supermodel Gisele Bundchen has asked that everyone pray for her husband, handsome Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, to win the Super Bowl.  Many people are warned against this as no one is really sure if God understands sarcasm.
• Sarah Jessica Parker has signed on to play Gloria Steinem in a movie about Linda Lovelace after Demi Moore had to drop out because for medical reasons. Steinem is a women’s rights leader who helped change things for women in the world, which Parker undid with Sex in the City.
• J.C.Penney announced they are standing by Ellen Degeneres after an anti-gay group launched a campaign requesting they remove her as a spokesperson.  You can go to any local J.C.Penney or jcpenney.com for all of your Ellen brand strap on dildo needs.
• Randy Jackson said that he is retiring the phrase ‘Are you in it to win it?’ from American Idol. You are getting rid of that, but keeping ‘keeping it real dawg’? That’s like a serial killer promising not to litter. 
• This year’s Super Bowl halftime show will feature a performance by Madonna. This marks the first time that a half time performer will have larger biceps than most of the players on the field. 

Daily News 2/1/2012

• Catholic Cardinal Anthony Beviloqua who was set to testify in an upcoming sex abuse trial passed away in his sleep Tuesday. Per his wishes, he will buried in some sweet altar boy ass. 
• China has banned kindergartens from providing palm reading assessments that some people say could predict intelligence and aptitude in many areas. Good at math, bad at driving, look I’m a fortune teller.
• Prosecutors in the Jerry Sandusky sexual abuse trial want to have jurors brought in from outside counties because of the media scrutiny in the case. This request came after Sandusky’s lawyers unsuccessfully requested to seat a jury made up entirely of Catholic priests, boy scout troop leaders, and guys who linger too long in the gym locker room. 
• Florida A&M has cancelled a band camp and all recruitment of new members following the death of a drum major believed to be the result of a hazing incident. One time at band camp, we killed a guy.
• An Oregon man has been sentenced to 45 days in jail after attacking customers of a toy store and police with toy light sabers. Fellow prisoners plan to use the force on his dark side. 
• Pinkberry founder Young Lee has been charged with assault in connection with the assault of a homeless person over Lee’s reaction to the man’s tattoo.  The tattoo was of the Chinese symbol for ‘Beat me with a tire iron’.
• An online petition is circulating asking Apple to ‘address the poor working conditions’ in their iPhone factories before they begin to make their next iPhones. Apple has issued a statement saying ‘Or what, you’ll buy a droid? Good one.’
• Adele is gearing up for what may be a massive night for her at the Grammys. If she is nominated for ‘Bumming The Crap Out Of A Subway Sandwich Shop’, then I am sure she will will by a landslide.
• Sherman Hemsley turns 74 today. He hopes to finally get a piece of the birthday cake.
• Newt Gingrich’s campaign is facing a tough road ahead after losing the Florida primary Tuesday night to Mitt Romney by more than 14 percent. Gingrich announced that he is divorcing this campaign and will marry a campaign that he has been secretly seeing for the past six months.

Daily News 1/31/2012

• A team of shipwreck hunters have found a disc like object on the floor of the Baltic Sea that they claim is over 195 feet wide and could possibly be a UFO. Or it’s just a sunken ship and those hunters have a bigger drinking problem than they thought.
• An elephant in an Amsterdam zoo has been fitted with a massive contact lens following an eye injury while playing with other elephants. Other elephants are noticing how hot she is without her glasses and three have already asked her to elephant prom.
• The reality talent show The X Factor did some major housecleaning today by announcing that they are firing host Steve Jones, and judges Paula Abdul and Nicole Scherzinger. Their roles will be filled by Simon Cowell’s ego and two of his Bentleys.
• In Potsdam, a town in Germany, they are taking a new approach to parking violations by issuing the driver a ticket but not fining them anymore. And if you murder someone you can expect a stern letter of disapproval in the mail.
• An actor who’s photograph was used in a diabetes awareness campaign said he was shocked to see that they removed his leg in the picture. He was soon relieved when he looked down and it was still there, then we explained to him what computers can do these days.
• Across Florida today thousands of senior citizen Republican voters are choosing who they want to be their contender for this year’s presidential race. And tomorrow the hopefuls will completely forget about them, just like their kids the day after Christmas.
• Bridesmaids star Maya Rudolph said last night on Conan that the dog that found the severed head by the Hollywood sign was owned by a friend of hers. Just proves the point, if you want to get a head in this town, you gotta know someone famous.
• Researchers are saying that using ketamine, a cat tranquilizer, can offer instant relief from severe depression. It also explains why my cat offered to suck my dick for money to buy more ketamine.
• Lana Del Ray has said recently in interviews that she thought she ‘looked beautiful and sounded fine’ during her much maligned performance on Saturday Night Live recently.  While I thought Lana Del Ray was just a new Bill Hader character. 
• According to polls Mitt Romney will likely win the Florida primary which ultimately may position him to win the nomination. Newt Gingrich is encouraged to think of himself as “a wife who just told her husband she has MS” and to start packing his bags.